Tori's Blog

My Personal Reinvention: Part 3 (of 3)

Friday, December 11th, 2009

12.11.09.AirplaneI am heading home now, having stayed an extra day. A perfectly wonderful extra day. Thinking a lot, as usual, I sit quietly in the dark on the plane, wishing I could fall asleep. I am instead listening, in my head, to the voice of my mentor, Maryann. She is truly the woman who maintains my sanity. Truly maintains it. I happen to also be listening to the New York Dolls.

I am also smiling, as I had, mere minutes before, the oddest, and briefest conversation I have ever had on an airline. My seatmate is a cute, maybe 20 year old, well tattooed guy with an ipod that includes bands with names such as “Mixfiend”, not that I craned my neck over to see what he was listening to or anything. We had been in the air for at least an hour when he opened his eyes, looked up from his ipod and said to me “Are we flying yet?”. “Excuse me” I respond.  – “Has the plane taken off yet?” —  ”Um…, uh…, yes”. —  ”Oh…” — long pause — “Okay.”

Back to Maryann. I asked her advice on taking this trip and also some questions to which she is always more than willing to be brutally honest in answering. “Why do I not make simple choices?” “Did I indeed get hit with a 2×4 this summer? Why do I choose not to take the same sorts of actions others seem to? Why do I find myself hanging on to some seemingly about-to-break limb, suffering through the worry while completely knowing that even if it breaks, I will be okay?” In her soft, wise manner, she smiled, asked me to go easy on myself and said, “Because you have never and will never be willing to settle for mediocrity, or acquiesce to what isn’t passionate and magnificent. There is a price for that. And that takes you to incredible places that most of us will never get close to”. She said, “You absolutely must go”.

When I finished “The Joy of Pregnancy” three years ago I wrote the last half on my computer in the middle of my kitchen amidst the full chaos of a little boy and a number of creatures. It worked then, and absolutely not now. What has changed? Me, for one. I finished the book amidst a firestorm and came up for air, undoubtedly a bit different. And, although I hate to admit it, a tad more tired.

I learned two huge things in the last 5 days and they are very related. So simple really. Isn’t that always how it is? You can’t see the forest for the trees. The first thing I got really clear about is that I need to spend time in my week in a physical work space that is quiet enough to let thoughts and ideas come.  Because for this slightly to moderately to extremely hyperactive woman on the far side of 40, the important things only come in the quiet.

The second thing is that I see a direction and a path for Alexander and myself. One that, quite frankly, I could never have imagined. And isn’t that alone such a lesson? A direction of much greater simplicity. More quiet. More time. More space. A goal being of much more peace. For us both.

So… did I really “re-invent” myself? Definitely not. Did I come for exactly the right reason? Absolutely. Did I complete everything I brought with me to accomplish? No. Did I get caught up on many things? Yes. Did I experience some sort of “Come to Jesus” moment where I resolved those vitally important things? Not exactly, but sort of. Do I feel that I am ready to fix what needs to be fixed? Yes.

Did I sleep? Not much at all. Am I sorry about that? No way. Did I get profoundly clear that I really do seek peace and less stress and that there are a number of things that keep me from that? Absolutely. Was this perhaps the most right and wonderful trip that I have been brave enough to take without knowing what I would find when I arrived? Without question.

I don’t know much, but as I come home, here’s what I do know. My shoulder still hurts but is much better and I feel just fine about skipping this week’s physical therapy. An old friend is coming from far away to spend the night with me tomorrow. She needs a friend and I can be that even though we have not traveled the same path. I miss Alexander terribly and am ecstatic about seeing his tired, sweet face. And I know that his mom needed this time all to herself. And she will continue to need it.  To be a better mother, to be a better me. I have unbelievable thanks for miracles and profound love. This I know.

Your Comments

  1. Dear Tori,

    1. I agree with Maryann. Thank goodness for our wise friends!

    2. You sound revived. I am so happy for you, that you took this trip.

    3. You must know that you can inspire others. What would we all do without the special ones who “go there” – and listen to the voice inside their head? Thanks for sharing and please keep doing so — looking foward to hearing what you find in the quiet :)

Leave a Reply