Tori's Blog

My Baby’s Birthday… Such Mixed Emotions… Part 2

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Part 2… Continued from December 19th…

A boy & his mum - Miwok Indians

Coincidentally, I was in that same drug store today and as I walked through the aisles I was completely overwhelmed with these memories, as well as the realities of my world today. Life was so full of excitement and hope and happiness that day. So much sadness has passed in all the years since he was born and I am not the same person I was then. But are any of us really?

He has always been a deep thinking child – a mixture of happy-happy as well as strong and intense. Without me saying a word tonight he said, “Why are you so sad?”. I asked him why he thought that and he said ” It just seems as though you are”. I reassured him but he is a wise child and perhaps one of his gifts (as well as his curse) is that he does not hold back what he is feeling.

Without question, children miss nothing. And at the end of every day, I know that all he wishes for is that I am happy and he is loved. We share in the immense humor and joy of life but I do refuse to hide the sad part, as well. He deserves to have a full family. He and I are most definetly a family, but for each of us (to be completely honest), he and I and his big brothers are what we have, but it is not all that we wish for.

He is curled up next to me now. As he drifted off to sleep he put his “little blankie” (privately held) on me and said “she will keep people from yelling at you tomorrow at work and help you have a nice birth with a nice family. But if you are cranky she won’t hold on.” He is a child who has known too early that life is not fair.  And he is resilant because of that.  It is part of his very fiber. And he has a safe harbor in me – even though I have no safe harbor for myself. It is truly being a mother bear. And he is 10 years old, feisty, often sassy and a tender, loving child. Happy Birthday Alexander.

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